A comical look at the state of our economy (satire).
[As CEOs of the “big three” auto manufacturers in the U.S. go hat-in-hand to the federal government today, I thought I’d take a humorous look at what may happen if the biggest three registrars ran into trouble.]
Representatives of the “big three” domain name registrars — GoDaddy, eNom, and Network Solutions — asked Congress for a bailout today after facing unheard of financial hardship.
“There are tens of thousands of jobs at stake,” said a representative of Network Solutions. “It’s not just the employees of our company.”
Center for Domain Profits (CDP), a left-leaning think tank in support of the bailout, says that 1.5 million American jobs are at stake, ranging from registrar employees to web hosting providers to resellers to GoDaddy girls.
“What will Candice Michelle do without GoDaddy?” the CDP wrote in briefing provided to Congress.
eNom agrees.
“Don’t think about us,” said an eNom spokesperson. “Think about our resellers who will be out of work. Where will they turn to get their domains? It’s not like there are other companies that can pick up the demand to provide similar products, often times with higher quality.”
Many citizens blame the registrars for their woes.
“They had to have seen this coming,” said Robert Dotnet, a healthcare worker. “For years, anyone thought they could go register some 5 word domain name and get rich. They were taking out loans on credit cards to buy more and more domains and calling them ‘an investment’.”
When the pay-per-click market cratered, many of these domain owners didn’t renew their domain names.
Others criticize the registrars for selling domains too cheap and not leaving enough room for profits.
“How can you expect to sell a product at a $3 markup and make money,” said Steve Mobi, a plumber-turned-domainer. Mr. Mobi acknowledge he ends up spending $50 per domain after adding whois privacy, web hosting, and some other useless cross sell.
However, experts are baffled as to how Network Solutions, which charges $35 per domain, could face financial difficulties.
Some observers suggest it will be difficult for GoDaddy to seek federal help given the ostentatious activities of its CEO, Bob Parsons. Parson quipped, “Hey, Danica Patrick doesn’t come cheap.”
Jamie says
Great stuff Andrew! I’m sure I could find a thing or two for the Godaddy Girls to do 😉
Frank Michlick (DNN) says
@Jamie: But would you pay them as well as Daddy Parsons does?
Very funny Andrew.
WDW, PhD says
The time has come in our country to restructure our autombile manufacturers. They buld product for the citizens and the government, too. They have sat on their duffs for over 100 years and have told us all just how we are to respond to their price and labor fixing. Now the time has come for the USA to stand up and lay down the law. They have told us all how we will bend to thier will. Maybe it is time for them to totally restructure and provide what we really need. It seems that they; must provide a more a realistic product line for us, a more realistic pay scale for eveyone they employ (exectutives to Line workers, retirees, etc, etc, all of them).
They must wake up and smell the roses, and everything we smell, too. The must realize their pricing is killing the USA.
The real issue is for Detroit to duild cars we need and we need good cars. Import cars if we must, but Detroit needs to remain our leader in product, not price.
Now, Detroit management must stop counting thier $ millions and make product we all need and can afford from now-on. They hire too many employees. Also, restructure thier employment ( has anyone ever taken tour around a factory and see all of the nonworkers)and financial afairs.
They know what their problem is, so now the must fix their own prblems…
Troy says
I love it, great post! A good example of “illustrating absurdities”.
Troy
Richard Ball says
Well done, Andrew. I was thinking earlier today about writing a “fake” post about a Big 3 bailout for the PPC engines (Google/Yahoo/Microsoft). Your post cracked me up.
Andrew says
Richard – Funny, we must have been on the same wave length. I contemplated that as an alternative to registrars.
Frager fan club says
Someone is taking Frager lessons in headline writing.
Dan says
Hi,
Common Sense Has Returned….Never Though I Would See It In My Life Time Again!
Very Funny…
But, sad and true in Washington…they all have all ‘lost their minds’ *(a few exceptions)
Very well put together and written!
Peace,
Dan
http://iptvdomains.com/
Mike @ WannaDevelop.com says
Now that’s funny :p
Good job’
Steve M says
Funny stuff.
Maybe you should try writing for the Onion.
My laugh for the day; thanks.
Steve M says
…and to think that your wife said you didn’t have a sense of humor. 😉
Domain Name Guy says
Very funny piece! There hasn’t been much good in the news lately, and humor helps take the edge off. Thanks for bringing a smile to our industry.
enoss says
funny indeed, but to be clear Tucows i) has more names under management than network solutions and ii) is not looking for a bailout. 😛
Andrew says
Elliot – did you guys just jump Network Solutions? I just looked at RegistrarStats.com and see that it has you in 3rd place now.